It all started several years ago when I prayed to God I was making the right decision as I swallowed handful after handful of various pills in an attempt to kill myself. JC called my cell phone and we had an awesome hour long chat. We’ve spoken on the phone and through email several more times, becoming great friends and setting a date for him to come visit here in Seattle. Upon arriving in the airport and picking up his luggage from baggage claim, we hopped into the back of the limo I rented and I began to ask…
RS – Thanks for coming! Wow, I’ve just gotta say wow! I mean, JC, you’re literally standing right before me, I really can’t believe you’d grace us, of all the different places to be interviewed, amazing!
JC – Thanks for having me. A bit of a miracle, being here, if I do say so myself.
RS – Oh, ok, um, didn’t quite expect you to be humorous…haha, kinda expected a bit more seriousness.
JC – We’re all just people, my child.
RS – …aaaaand there it goes. How about we just get started then? So, JC! Big comeback, huh?! This uh, doesn’t mean the rapture is about to happen and all that, does it?
JC – No, my chi-
RS – Please don’t call me that.
JC – I’m sorry. No, Ramon, it doesn’t mean the rapture is happening. I just wanted to come hang out, maybe smoke some of that good good you’ve got, check out the super hot Seattle girls you’ve been talking about. Oh and the Fremont troll, definitely want to swing by and see him. Are the Seahawks playing this Sunday?
RS – Ok, wait a minute, so you’re telling me that you came back to earth so you could visit modern day Seattle, catch a Seahawks game, and smoke some weed?
JC – Well it is legal here.
RS – But, so, wait a second I’m trying to wrap my head around this here, so what you’re telling me is, it’s not legal in heaven? There’s no weed in heaven?
JC – Not so much. Plus, these girls man, wow! They are very fit, and tight…Me! I saw one earlier that looked like she was going to bust out of those yoga pants she was wearing! Thank my father for spandex, seriously.
RS – Me? Oh you mean as in “Jesus Christ,” Me. Got it. Uh, I don’t, um, I’m a little thrown off here, JC.
JC – Why? I just wanted to hang out, is that cool?
RS – Well, ya, of course, you’re my boy and all…just thought you’d be more into wine, not weed. And girls? You want to go out to ogle girl’s asses?
JC – For sure! Totally! I saw this one at the airport, she had a totally fine ass.
RS – Jesus, that’s kinda 90’s, with the totally and for sure. You know what? Doesn’t matter. Let’s keep going, ok? Like I said (lights a joint and begins smoking it), you’re in town, not the rapture, which by the way is super awesome that’s not happening, and you wanna hang out and pick up some girls, also super awesome (takes a puff). And so, I’ve gotta ask (takes a puff), what’s the big man like?
JC – (Takes the joint, takes a puff, coughs) Goddamn man! That’s really, really good! What strain is this? (takes a puff)
RS – Did you just blasphemy?
JC – I’m sure Dad’s cool with it, after all he kind of owes me. Should I not do that? (Takes a puff, passes the joint)
RS – No no, it’s fine. Just didn’t expect…well, this. (Raises the joint) It’s peppermint cookies. (takes a puff)
JC – Ok, so what was the question, again?
RS – (Takes a puff, passes the joint) What’s the big man like?
JC – (Coughs, takes a puff, coughs more on the exhale) Oh I don’t know, we haven’t spoken since the crucifixion. Can we maybe talk about something else?
RS – So you’re telling me you haven’t spoken to God since you were crucified? Dude, that’s like what, 1,984ish years ago?
JC – (Takes a puff, passes the joint, coughs profusely. Ramon gets him some water) Goddamn man, thanks for the water! I think I’m pretty cheesed out for now, that is seriously good.
RS – Thanks man. So, you were saying? (Takes a puff)
JC – Yes it’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to dad. I don’t know, would you want to speak to someone who just let you be tortured to death? I mean, he’s my father, ya know? What kind of a shitty parent lets that happen then turns around and says he loves you? I almost didn’t come around people again.
RS – (Takes a puff) Why not?
JC – Well, he literally loves all humans more than me. That kind of fucks with you. I spent years in therapy just to get to this point, so could we maybe move on?
RS – Um, sure. Sorry to bring up painful stuff, thought everyone was cool with each other. It has been such a long time.
JC – Yes well, you don’t have holes in your wrists and feet. So, anyway….what other questions?
RS – Oh, ya, sorry. Um, (takes a puff) damn, this is really throwing me off right now. Let me put this out. (Sets the joint aside) So you had a wife, where is she at? Did she come with you?
JC – Goddamn, you’re just asking all the bad stuff, huh? Let me get all the crap out of the way then, okay? My dad’s a dick, learned all about sex from mom because she kept banging dudes for money as I was trying to sleep, Mary divorced me once she came to heaven because she was getting trains run on her after I died. What a way to cope, huh? Judas was my best friend and the guy only cared about money! So here I’ve got my dad the dick, mom the whore, literally, Mary the also-whore, only not for money, and my best friend who only cared about money so he sold me for silver. Really fucked up family.
RS – Ugh…I really don’t know what to say Jes-
JC – It’s JC.
RS – My bad. I really don’t know what to say, JC. I thought you were in heaven where everything was, well, heaven.
JC – Mmhmm, well, eternity surrounded by assholes is still shitty. So next question?
RS – Ummm (lights joint again, takes a puff) so did you help write the 10 commandments?
JC – 11.
RS – 11 what? Oh no shit! 11 commandments?! What’s the 11th? (Takes a puff, passes the joint)
JC – The eleventh commandment (takes a puff), is “Though shall only do CrossFit if thy continuously announces thy does CrossFit.” (Takes a puff, passes the joint)
RS – Wait (takes a final puff, puts the roach in the ashtray), so you’re telling me the eleventh commandment is to boast about doing CrossFit, but only if you do CrossFit? You’re serious? Jesus.
JC – Yes? Oh, never mind, haha, I gotcha. Yes, that’s why it wasn’t released during the initial 10, no one knew what CrossFit was back then. I mean, imagine us telling everyone that rule and they’re just standing there staring at us. No, everyone was more concerned about the plague and not dying during childbirth. So, I only told Moses the first 10.
RS – That was you? I thought it was an archangel like Metatron.
JC – Dude, Dogma was hilarious! I posed for the Buddy Christ, by the way. Major bank from the likeness and marketing rights. No seriously though, Moses ate some peyote and thought I was a burning bush. This other time when he was tripping on it he fell down into a huge puddle while he tried to drink some of it. He seriously thought he was parting the Red Sea. Got up and stomped “You shall not pass!” So we added it into the Lord Of the Rings trilogy as an inside joke.
RS – Wow….ummmm, okay. So does the Bible get anything right, or did they just guess at everything?
JC – Well it was written 300 years after that dick of a Dad let me die.
RS – So, did they get the Devil right? I mean, what exactly happened with Lucifer?
JC – Luey! That dude is my dog! Seriously cool dude. I just went to hell the other day and smoked some crazy Devil’s lettuce, my eyes were as red as his dick…it was insane!
RS – Wait a minute, you’re seriously flooring me here JC. You’re telling me Lucifer is a cool guy and you two hang out regularly?
JC – Yes, that’s precisely what I’m telling you.
RS – So what’s with the bad rep?
JC – Yaaaaa, about that…well, fuck it I’ll tell you. He kind of, well, he fucked my mom. Apparently, Dad “impregnated” her with me to spite Luey because he had a serious crush on her. That’s one of the reasons I’m here. Because of modern day science, I can finally find out if he’s my biological dad or not. You are already aware of the other reasons.
RS – Ummmm…so you’re saying Lucifer, the Devil, Satan, The Fallen Angel, had sexual intercourse with your mom and you don’t know if he’s your real father?
JC – Yes. My life has been kinda fucked up, huh?
RS – Well, it’s a fairly…yes, yes it’s really fucked up. Dude, how are you not a psychopath?
JC – It helps that I can pull some serious tail. And the money from all those royalties sure doesn’t hurt! If all else fails, just bust out some walking on water miracle shit or have them drink my blood. Works every time (winks).
RS – Let’s move on, shall we?
JC – Sounds good. (giggles) Dude, I’m fuckin baked over here.
RS – I guess one last question then, if it’s ok?
JC – Dude, let’s go pull some pussy! I’m all about that strange.
RS – Fuck it then! This is Ramon from Stop the boat. Just to reiterate, JC says it is NOT the rapture, so if you have any questions, feel free to drop an email! Except Bob from Minnesota. You’re a fuckin dick, Bob.